Ten cats come on a game show. Nine of them are guest cats from around the country. The tenth cat, whose name is Sponson, is a big ginger mog, and he's the 'house cat'. Sponson's a bit like the house robots in Robot Wars - he's the feline expert to give the whole thing a bit of an edge. Following some brief 'meet the contestants' type interviews, all comprising of the cats meowing randomly into a microphone, they gather around an upturned top hat in the middle of the studio. Pieces of assorted fat - lard chunks, bacon rind, etc. are placed around the hat. On the sound of a bell, the cats begin to lift the fat into the hat with their mouths. The cat who lifts the greatest mass of fat into the hat is the winner at the end of the show, and takes the fat home to consume at leisure. The show always closes on a view of the hat being driven out of the studio in the back of a Ford Transit - destined for a dry cleaners ready for next time

With the concept nicely in the bag, I needed to come up with a presenter. After a few near rejects (William Shatner, John Leslie, Paul Daniels, Jim Bowen), I finally hit one that should work best - Chris Barrie, aka Arnold Rimmer from hit SciFi Comedy Red Dwarf. Somehow the man just seemed to fit. With this in mind, I recently emailed Chris Barrie's agents to see what the great man himself thinks. For some reason, despite repeated attempts to get in touch, no joy, so it looks like he must be too busy or something. And, unbelievably I know, William Shatner seems to be booked up too. Surely, Paul Daniels, doyenne of inoffensive teatime magic will be up for it. You've guessed it, I've emailed him, so time will tell.

As an aside, it's worth mentioning that I texted the title of the show to the HMIM.com team. The collective response from Tessa, Big John, and Spanner was "Sebastian-Coe-toe-in-dough-child-on-poe-pig-in-snow-diarrhoea-flow". Thanks for that everyone.

When Will it End?
Well. All that remains is to get some funding (I'm thinking Channel 5), get it commissioned, and get Mr. Daniels on board.

• Anyone out there know any potential presenters for this show? Please let us know.
• Can you fund the production of Ten Cat Fat Hat? Would you?
• Can your cat lift fat into a hat without eating it?

Play Along at Home
Well, you can't just yet I'm afraid. What you can do is petition any desperate cable channels to provide some cash. Or, if you have a cat, why not put them into training to take part?