Ian
Role: Team Leader / Director of Obsessions
This is me, the cause of it all. All I can do is
apologise...
Big John
Role: Lead Fixer / Hired Goon #1
Sadly missed as he is no longer with us: at 6'7", if you'd described John as a
gentle giant you'd have been half right. Totally incapable of being embarrassed
by anything, he was a brilliant negotiator and an excellent fixer. John was
responsible for obtaining obsessional items, such as the poster from Feu Vert,
and the right sort of carrier bag from Self Tissus. His face still makes a great
bookend (see above). John had a penchant for mince and an inexhaustible stock of
obscene jokes, to which he generally forgot the punchlines. Perhaps best
described as 'omnisexual'. The post of Lead Fixer will remain permanently open
as a mark of respect for the great man.
Big John's big tribute page is now available.
The Mighty Randy
Role: Big John Memorial Chair of Insanity
This is a brand new role. Since Big John passed away, we needed someone to try
and get a handle on what the hell's going on, and because Randy is so bloody
brainy, he fits it like a glove. Perhaps one day Randy (or his Oxbridge contacts)
may be able to explain what's going on in my brain, perhaps not. Regardless,
respect to Randy for garnering this post in the first place.
Carlton
Role: Head of Camping / Chicken Induction Operative
Wily publican Carlton's sartorial elegance is exceeded only by his flair for
soft furnishing and an almost preternatural blagging ability. Knowledge of
poultry is allegedly unsurpassed.
Carolyn
Role: Corporate Communications Officer
Rarely sighted, accident prone high
flyer. Brief periods of involvement with Lloyd, excellent procurer of stupid
books for the Library. Carolyn's excellent (and shady) connections ensure that she's well
placed spread the word - whatever that may be.
Craig
Role: North East Area Representative
Cheery Big John holiday veteran Craig takes care of
HMIM's coverage of the North East of England. Having briefly parked his car in
The Octagon for Big John's funeral, Craig now fears it may have rabies. Good
lad.
David
Deb
Role: Sanity Anchor
Ultra-long-suffering other half and
main casualty of the side effects of my obsessions. Despite maintaining a dry
demeanour through everything, Deb still has the occasional moment that extends
beyond mere toleration - like sticking my Ramses poster up in the hall at home.
Or just living with me. Though in return she does get her car fixed.
George
Role: 'Legal Affairs' Technician / Hired Goon #2
Fast moving George bears an unerring
resemblance to a policeman. As you can imagine, that comes in very useful sometimes.
Jen
Role: South West Area Representative
Sister to Deb and unfortunate fantasy
proprietor of Jen's Gels. If I say anything more here, she'll probably lamp me.
"Jim Parker"
Role: Black Country Area Representative
Jim Parker isn't really his name, but
he needs a mention here. Committed attempts to obtain Nestle Man unfortunately
didn't work out, but he deserves thanks all the same. Seen here heavily
disguised (sorry "Jim"). Now mainly responsible for publicity in
Birmingham and the Midlands.
Rob
Role: Stability Technician
Although there's little stable about
Rob, he's usually happy to take on any task HMIM throws at him, legal or
otherwise.
Roy
Role: Toastmaster
Roy is the cheery landlord of the Star Inn in Willerby,
and has been kind enough to welcome the team to suckle at the reasonably priced beery teat
of his excellent establishment. We like it so much that it's now the official
HMIM watering hole. Good ale, top quality new year's breakfasts,
and, in happier times, the loudest Christmas carols in town, possibly the world - courtesy of Big
John and me.
Sarah
Role: Distraction and Subversion Operative
Daughter to Spanner, and grandaughter to
Big John and Tessa. Born next to a cat
litter tray with approximately one hour notice. Saz, as she prefers to be known,
provides an excellent means of distracting those who might otherwise block the
fulfilment of an obsession.
Spanner
Role: Manager of Publicity
Seemingly pretty sane (as these things
go), daughter to Tessa and Big John. Slightly disturbed by the whole obsession with Self Tissus,
resulting in the irrefutable quote, "Ian, you're insane". Involved in the plan
to kidnap Nestle Man and generally not afraid to pitch in, however stupid things
get. Spanner isn't her baptismal name by the way, but it's what she asked for.
Not to be confused with the famous
prostatic stent of the same name.
Teleman
Tessa
Role: Matriarch
Indulgent and unflappable matriarch to
the Taylor clan, and the team in general. Despite being unfailingly depressed by any new obsessions,
Tessa was still kind enough to come along into Feu Vert during my embarrassing attempts to
buy a paper cat in a foreign language. Decades of marriage to Big John mean that
Tessa can handle anything - animal, vegetable, or mineral.
Tim
Role: Head of Steam.
World-weary pub philosopher. Working
in Hull Central Reference library makes Tim a brilliant source of obscure books
to add to the library. Also a walking
encyclopaedia of absolutely all music ever.
